The motorcycle wreck that left me with a severe traumatic brain injury took a lot from me. One of the things that hurt deeply was my ability to play guitar. I’d been playing for well over 30 years, and suddenly it was all just gone. As I wrote about back in the early part of 2019, I could remember how a song sounded, but I had completely lost any memory of the chord progressions and, it seemed, even the muscle memory of playing because my guitars no longer felt right in my hands. I could open my music books to see where to put my fingers and what strings to strum or pluck, but something was missing, and I wasn’t able to play anything successfully.
After about a year and a half I started to think it might never come back, so I sold or gave away all of my musical gear with the exception of my little Martin Backpacker. I think more than anything I kept it as my own little symbol of hope, and to represent my commitment to not giving up on my music completely. Back in 2019, I also shared with you how I picked up a friend’s guitar and out of nowhere, accurately fingerpicked a segment of a very challenging piece of music and how it gave me hope that my music was coming back.
Some Things Just Take Time
I learned a few things over the next year. First, I learned that just because one thing comes back, it doesn’t mean I’m about to experience a flood of returning memories. I learned that picking up my guitar once every week or two didn’t suddenly reactivate whatever part of my brain wasn’t responding when I tried to play. I learned that the only way to restore my ability to play would be to diligently practice on a regular schedule, and I also learned that buying new guitars to replace my missing ones didn’t somehow inspire me to pick one up any more frequently than before.
Since 2019, I can honestly share with you that the number of songs I was able to play at least partially was in the single digits – until three weeks ago, that is. We are at the tail end of a major home remodel project and, since we no longer have a music room, it was time to decide how to store my guitars. One thing I wanted to avoid was leaving them cased in some closet somewhere. That could only lead to their neglect over time. So instead, I bought some guitar hangers for the wall in my office.
Finding Inspiration
Having my guitars out of their cases and hanging literally 6 to 8 feet away from me has had an impact. First off, not only do I see them every day, but I also have to walk past them to get to my desk. And, now I find that I pick up one of them every day without fail, sometimes more than once. As I write this, it occurs to me that this is a practice I’ve used in so many areas of my life, since my brain injury. I put things where I can see them to ensure I don’t forget them. For example, yesterday had an appointment to get my driver’s license renewed. Everyone wants the least terrible photo they can on their license, and I’m no exception, so I decided I should take a comb with me. Since I don’t have a pocket comb, I understood that chances were slim I’d have a comb when I got to the DMV, if I didn’t properly prepare. With this in mind, I placed my comb in a position I absolutely couldn’t miss it on the way out the door.
This is working for me, having them visible all day long reminds me that they are there and prompts the desired results – I play every day now. Sometimes when I pick one up, it’s just for a few minutes. I may pluck at a few strings and try out a couple of chords I used to know. Sometimes I feel something tickling the back of my brain and I work on it for a bit. And it’s having an impact.
Take One Step, (Repeat)…
There’s an old proverb that says a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. My first step was picking up my guitar for the first time after I’d realized I was unable to play. I’d add to this the requirement for repeating the process over and over until you reach your goal. And this is what’s happening each time I pick up that guitar. Do I get frustrated? Yes, and incredibly so on some days. But there are other days when I rehang my guitar at the end of a practice session feeling inspired and full of new hope.
Over these last few weeks, I’ve found some songs I used to know that have been uncovered and are now either fully or at least partially accessible to me. I was plucking some random strings in one session and was reminded of the melody of “Norwegian Wood” by the Beatles. After about 15 or 20 minutes of working at it, I had a couple of sequences that were almost recognizable. In the end, it took four days of practice and looking it up on the internet to get it back, but I was able to play it from start to end. As soon as my wife was home, I grabbed my guitar and went out to the living room to share this new development. She was overjoyed not just at my own happiness, but at the prospect of this part of our lives being returned to us, the part where I would grab my guitar and play some of my wife’s favorite music for her.
Four days back, I picked up my guitar and was amazed to find part of “Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croce returning to my playlist. I’m still working to get it all back, but after watching it a couple times on YouTube, I’m almost there. I think that by next week I should be able to play that one start to finish. Maybe not to perfection, but at least to a point where I can hold my head high as I play it for my number one fan.
In Closing
DON’T GIVE UP! That’s the lesson I’ve walked away with here. It’s coming up on six long years since my injury, and only now am I starting to reclaim this important part of my life. I truly wasn’t sure it would ever happen, and just how much or how well I might be able to play again. But now I have renewed hope and so much drive to pick up my guitar. This was a much-loved part of my life, not just playing for others, but the quiet time of playing just for the simple enjoyment of it. I intend to keep on pushing and working to get back to a high skill level, to where playing isn’t the extreme and frequently frustrating challenge it is today. I want to get back again to where my fingers just know what to do in order to make the sounds that I hear in my heart. If there’s something you’ve lost from a brain injury, you may be able to get at least some of it back. Keep working at it and keep trying. Maybe, like me, you’ll somehow spark something that ignites inside of you and puts you on a path to recovering some, or even all, of what you’ve lost.
Well said. Awesome stuff! Very inspirational, knowing what challenges a person goes through after a brain injury. Don’t ever give up!!!! Thanks for sharing Rod.
Thanks, Nelson. It’s certainly an important lesson for me. There are times when what we lost from a brain injury feels like it will never come back, and this helps me to understand that sometimes, a little inspiration, a lot of patience and regular practice can make all the difference.
Wow…..it honestly feels as if your speaking my mind directly, I also had a nasty motorcycle accident recently on October 8 2021 and also am suffering a severe traumatic brain injury. I started playing when I was 12 and now I’m 40 but my guitars and my music have always been a massive part of my life to put it lightly. I did pick up my acoustic recently and it wasn’t good at all, I couldn’t remember anything at all and I don’t have hardly any movement especially when it comes to moving both hands at the same time. I was absolutely disgusted after just a few seconds and put it right away. Your words hit home to me very hard and that’s an understatement! I fully intend to play again but I want you to know that your words are not only Inspirational but directional, you understand what I mean I’m sure. I must say thank you for it all and it has definitely helped! I hope when all this settles that I too will be able to help someone the way that you have
Thanks for taking the time to share your words here, Bryce. I wish you much joy and success on your path to restore this important part of your life.
And, I want to say thank you as well for your inspiring words. I started writing this blog as a bit of therapy, I think. Putting my experience into words helped me to better wrap my head around my overall experience, and helped me to find hope where I was seeing only loss before. Then, people started reading what I wrote, I was getting comments back both on my blog pages and on my twitter account, and I started to understand a little better what a large community we have become a part of. Now, I research and write to help others in the ways I can, but it’s still very therapeutic for me.
Sharing what you learn can help both you and many others walking a similar path, so I’d encourage you to share as well. Whether via a blog, a publication, social media, or any other medium, there are many ways to reach others and the brain injury survivor community is much larger than we realize until we become part of it. Whether we are we sharing scientific information or personal experience, if we can help even one person, it’s very much worth every ounce of effort we put into it.
I wish you all the best in your recovery path.
I have read everything I could find that is by you and can relate to almost everything in my own way my friend and have read my own post and your response about a million times and it has given me something to look at during my bad times that helps in a way and was wondering if there is an email or something of the sort that I can contact you, I know it’s been a bit since I’ve even met you. Im sure you know all to well how this “TBI” game works and I have a few personal questions I’d like your opinion on if possible, please let me know either way and again thank you so much for all you are and represent!?
Bryce
Hi Bryce, and again, thanks for your kind words.
I do have a contact page on the site you can use if you have questions you’re unwilling to post. Bear in mind that I’m no expert, I encounter the same obstacles as any other TBI survivor. I just research a lot and write what I believe is worth sharing. Still, if I can offer any direction towards helpful resources, I’m happy to do so. One point I’d like to make is that many questions you have are likely shared by others who read these pages, posting them in the comments would be a benefit to all.