With the progression of her dementia, my mother is quickly losing the ability to focus on anything for more than a few seconds. What I didn’t see coming was just how much boredom she now feels. And, the behaviors stemming from her boredom have been quite unexpected.
The Television
For many years now, my mother has spent an increasing amount of time in front of the television. She struggles to get around even with her walker, and she’s quick to feel out of breath from even a short walk across the house these days. This means that sitting is her primary activity, and while she has a favorite wicker chair on the front porch – this is only an option once the temperature outside is in the mid-seventies or above. So, her easy chair is where she spends much of her day. Until recently, that meant she could be entertained by a good movie or one of her favorite western shows.
This is different for her over the last few weeks. Now I see her watching movies or television shows that in the past she’d never have spent more than 30 seconds with before reaching for the remote control. When I ask her what she’s watching she’ll say, “Oh, I don’t know” and go right back to watching it. As I try to understand how she’s doing and where she’s at with her attention span, I’ll sometimes mention a major plot point in the current show that happened a minute ago or so…but she can’t remember it.
The Tablet
For the last several years, mom has played games on her tablet to break up the day a little. Her favorites were always mahjong and solitaire. In days gone by, I tried to add a new selection of games but none of them ever held her interest and she’s always returned to these two. This is something else that’s gone by the wayside. I started to see her grab her tablet, put on her glasses and power it up, look at it for a few minutes and then put it back on the end table. When I asked about it, she simply says, “It’s just a jumble.”
I investigated and saw that the active game was mahjong, so I put it on solitaire to see if that would make a difference. While working in my home office, I saw that she was picking up the tablet and playing it for five or ten minutes now before putting it back on the table. I have since learned that this is because the automated features of the game make it so she can play without having to understand what she’s doing. If you touch the draw deck, it draws a card and if you touch the drawn card it will play if there’s a valid play available. But since she really no longer sees the plays being made, it doesn’t hold her interest for more than a few minutes.
The New Behaviors
My mother has an end table next to her easy chair that has a number of things on top of it – her tablet, her glasses, a vase of silk flowers, her emergency whistle that she has always refused to wear, and a few other random items. There’s a drawer full of stuff accumulated over the years and a bottom shelf full of items. With the television now unable to hold her attention, she’s frequently turning to her table for things to do. She’ll pick things up, look at them, pile them on her lap and then put them back, either where she found them or somewhere new. This morning as we sat her in her chair and got her situated, one of her first comments was, “I don’t see anything I can move.”
In the kitchen, I’m starting to notice some things have gone missing. I never have to look far, but it does keep me on my toes trying to figure out where she’s putting things. I have an old coffee cup that I use for bacon grease that I found hanging on the clean cup rack yesterday. Luckily it was less than half full and it hadn’t leaked all over. I just smiled and put it on a shelf beyond her reach. During yesterday’s adventure, she also rearranged the flatware drawer from how it’s been for the last 35 years. I knew this was likely to cause her confusion the next time she looked in the drawer, so I put things back where they should be. My mother’s flatware set is a decades old service for 24… so, I also took the extra step of putting all but a few of each item in storage to reduce the clutter and help her make more sense of what remains.
Clothing is another area where she tries to occupy her time. I ask her in the morning if she wants to get dressed for the day, and often she chooses to stay in her sleepwear and robe. Mom has several sets of sleepwear, and I’ve started to notice that she changes into different sets throughout the day. She seems to have this mastered but gets confused and needs guidance to put on regular clothes now.
What Can I Do?
I work from home, and with all that’s going on in this world, my workdays are typically 9 to 10 hours long. Yes, I have the baby cams to be able to monitor her and see to her safety even when I’m working, but I can’t spend much time with her during the day so it’s her, the TV, and her tablet. I’m researching new options for her tablet but so far, I haven’t found anything she’ll accept.
Throughout my day, I’ll find opportunities go out and sit by her to talk for a few minutes. Conversations don’t go too deep these days, often we chat about the weather or watch the birds on the collection of feeders I’d installed right outside her window. One is even attached to the window using suction cups. She loves watching the birds. Depending on how long it’s been since she’s had a call with her sister, I’ll ask her if she’d like to call. Most days they have two or three calls.
When the weather gets warmer, I’ll be able to take her out to the porch to sit in the sun while I work on my laptop. But until then, we’re stuck with what we can find inside. With the lock-downs from this COVID-19 crisis, I do a bit of home delivery both from online purchases and local stores. I’ve learned to be slow about checking the porch for deliveries, because it brings her joy to find something out there that she brings in and promptly tells me I’ve got a delivery.
My Takeaway
What I see isn’t so much how things are, it’s where they’re going. As her symptoms increase, things will continue to change – and not likely for the better. All I can do for now is to try to help her find moments of joy in each and every day; something to talk about, something to laugh about, something to feel good about. Even if she won’t remember it for any longer than the actual moment when it happens, she’s still experiencing moments of joy.
Rod, I appreciate reading your comments. I could have written this post. My husband and I see a lot of these same things in his mom as we tend to her. She does like to be entertained but I, too, also work from home. I downloaded a program so I can make word search puzzles for her. She likes to do those. I have made personalized ones with a family picture at the bottom and with words and phrases familiar to her and her life. It’s easy for her to relate to things from the 1930’s and years in the past. That might be something you can also use as a reference. A black and white TV show is a comfortable zone.
However, as she ages she is showing the same changes as you’ve seen in your own mom. Once this COVID19 situation is better, things can also change and maybe you can get a non-medical helper to come in on occasion.
Hang in there, Rod. She appreciates your selfless gift of being there for her. I just can’t imagine her being anywhere else. We intend to be here and have her be in her own home until the end. She is SO happy here with her pets and her familiar surroundings. I know it’s tough but hang in there. You are a precious angel to do what you’re doing for her.
Hi Susan, Thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement. I am hoping to make arrangements for someone to come in on occasion to allow me to actually spend a day or two away, I do understand that managing my own mental health is just as important as what I do for mom.
Mom’s go-to shows are GunSmoke, Walker, Texas Ranger, and Dr Phil. I’ve gotten her a new TV remote that has only 6 buttons and is programmed to go only through her favorite four channels, but getting her to accept the new remote hasn’t been a walk in the park. Some days she tries to use it, the rest of the days she hates it.
Mom’s dementia is to the point that even the simplest word search is too confusing for her to understand, unfortunately most of her tablet games are no longer an option. She is in the same place with many of her activities of daily life, she gets confused quickly and easily… so our options grow more limited all the time.
Thanks for commenting and for sharing your own experience. I wish you all the best, and applaud you and your husband for all that you are doing as well.